Ode to Portsmouth on Her 400th

ODE TO PORTSMOUTH ON HER 400th
By J. Dennis Robinson

NOTE: Asked at the last minute to tell the 400-year history of Portsmouth in
FIVE MINUTES at the anniversary Kick-off at North Church in 2023, the author accepted the challenge. He did it in four minutes! Best read aloud while drinking.

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David Thompson landed here
In 1623.
He looked around and changed his mind
And headed back to sea.

Captain Mason sent his crew
To look around for gold.
They wrote to say, “There wasn’t none,
But Jeez, it sure is cold!”

“We need more beer and shoes and wives,”
The frozen settlers said.
But Mason didn’t send a thing
Because the guy was dead.

It took almost a hundred years
To build a church downtown.
But half the congregation said,
They would not come around.

And that is how Old Portsmouth 
Got divided down the middle.
It’s not a thing we brag about,
But history’s a riddle.

In time, Old South moved north.
What a tangled web they weave.
Them crazy Unitarians,
God knows what they believe!

But let’s back up, and raise a cup
Of Portsmouth seafood chowder,
To the day we gave the king a fit
By stealing all his powder.

John Paul Jones unfurled our flag,
And sailed smack into danger;
He tried to bring all Britain down
Aboard the little RANGER.

There’s Washington and Whipple
And all the storms they braved,
Plus Oney, Cuffey, Bill, and Prince
And others they enslaved.

Hat’s off to Portsmouth privateers
And politicians, too.
They never did a single thing
A pirate wouldn’t do.

All hail Frank Jones, the Ale Tycoon,
Some claim that man was fickle.
He bought up everything in town
And died with every nickel. 

Huzzah for Celia Thaxter!
Props to young Tom Bailey!
And starving writers everywhere
Who pray for paychecks daily.

To actors, waiters, singers, clerks,
Creative, kind, and gentle. 
They keep this city rolling on,
But can’t afford a rental.

We gather now to celebrate,
Despite the cold and chill,
And figure out a way to pay
This month’s electric bill.

But wait, we’re running out of time,
There’s so much to discover
Of gundalows and submarines
And topics we should cover.

The Combat Zone, the Air Force Base,
The statue of that guy.
(I know he was important,
But I can’t remember why.) 

We love historic houses,
But couldn’t save them all.
So we knocked down what was left
And built a little mall.

Then we built a bigger mall,
And though I’m not a scholar,
I swear the mall began to shrink  
While downtown grew much taller.

We welcomed every tourist.
We built them lots of bars.
We built them lots of parking lots
And ticketed their cars.

As Portsmouth turns 400,
Before we give three cheers,
Remember Native people
Have lived 12,000 years.

I’ve got so many tales to tell
Of heroes, saints, and crooks.
But if you want to hear some more,
You’ll have to buy my books.

©2023 J. Dennis Robinson, all rights reserved.